


Is That The Best You Can Do?

by snowybasil (bucketfish)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Crying Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Enemies to Lovers, Fights, Gay Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, M/M, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Pining, Pining Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24126133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucketfish/pseuds/snowybasil
Summary: Baz is very hopelessly in love with Simon Snow, the love of his life, his roommate (for god's sake), and he's 100% convinced that Simon hates him.Baz is done with all of this pining. He's going to get rid of his feelings. He's not sure how yet, but somehow.When Simon offers a physical fight, Baz agrees, thinking that it'll get rid of his feelings for him. He's not quite strong enough.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 3
Kudos: 69





	Is That The Best You Can Do?

**Author's Note:**

> There are some angsty fighting (and mention of blood) (no actual description of though), so watch out if those aren't up your league. And mid-fight kissing. Who knew?
> 
> Lots of pining. I originally didn't plan to publish this, so I wrote it all in lowercase and had to go back and edit. Hopefully, I didn't miss out any, but apologies in advance if I did. This is the first fic that I've published, so I hope you enjoy :)

**Baz**

I step into my room, our room, Snow and I’s. A bad idea. I must’ve caught him just as he left the room - his scent still lingers in the doorway, and in the bathroom, too.

I should’ve gone to the library. I should’ve gone to the park, maybe even the field, somewhere empty to clear my mind. But I can’t tear myself away from his smell now as it envelopes me in a choking but not entirely unwelcome hug. It’s like being crushed to death by a koala bear.

As I said, not entirely unwelcome.

There are tears still streaming down my face, and I try to wash it away the best I can. Puffy eyes in the mirror.

_What did I just do?_

Yes, it’s the first day of school. Yes, I haven’t seen him in a long time. And yes, he was laughing, something I haven’t heard in ages, that bright ringing sound I played over and over again in my head as I wake from nightmares to calm myself down, and I wished so badly that I had caused it. And he _did_ stop his entire conversation as I walked past, after Penny pointed me out to him, his entire expression changing, and yell at me to go away.

But it still doesn’t justify how much it affected me. It doesn’t justify how it broke my heart. It doesn’t justify how teardrops decided that it was an amazing time to flow, well, I am crying, am I not?

I do cause him a lot of pain, don’t I? breaking out of a laugh with Penny just to yell at me to go away. I’ve never even done anything to him in a year or so.

He must hate me so much.

I wipe my tears away well, only to think of those bronze curls and burst into tears again. He must really hate me.

That’s it. I’ve had enough of pining, of secret midnight yearnings, of aching so desperately to hold him in my arms.

I’m going to start the feelings purge. I’m not going to talk to him or even look at him until my feelings are gone.

* * *

I give myself a little rest, first, though. It’s been a tough day, and while I really need to get on with this purge, I think I might collapse of emotions overload. I wipe my tears away for the second time and fall into my bed.

I get half an hour. Entire half an hour of pining and dreaming and thinking of Simon Snow, just half an hour. Then I’ll stop.

Snow’s blue eyes. Soft blue eyes that harshen when he looks at me, but still soft nevertheless. I’ve seen him give soft eyes before, to me, once, that summer midnight last year when I woke up from a nightmare, sobbing. He’d scooted over to my bed and tried to make me feel better.

That was the only time I’d cried (in front of him), and the nightmare was about losing him.

Soft blue eyes, just once. I wonder how it’d feel like if I could have those all the time, just soft blue eyes gazing at me, I don’t know. That would be so lovely. Those eyes are lovely. He’s lovely.

He’s so easy to love.

Simon. Simon. Simon.

The alarm goes off and I’m filled with dread. Half an hour’s up. There were so many other things that I’ve wanted to think about - his god-sculpted hands, sunkissed bronze curls, rosy cheeks, and his soul. His soul is just... magnificent. If I’d known better I’d have knelt at his throne instead of lies I’d been brought up to believe.

But half an hour’s up, and it pains me to stop thinking about him, and it pains me to know that I’ll never be allowed to do it again - daydream about him. I can’t. I’ve to throw all of it away.

But no matter. I have better things to do than to have my heart broken over and over again by unrequited love.

* * *

The door creaks and I almost jump out of my skin. Snow walks in, messy bronze curls, sleepy blue eyes. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t speed up.

‘Fuck off, Snow,’ I say out loud instead, avoiding his gaze.

He seems to flinch a little but somehow stay composed and manage to pronounce a verbal-equivalent of a ‘whh’, and I look up, which was a bad idea. ‘What?’ he says again.

I kind of sigh a bit, mainly because I’m running out of things to say, but also because it’s kind of hard to think straight when the love of your life is staring into your eyes so intensely like there’s no tomorrow and you’d die for him.

‘I said, Snow, _fuck off_ ,’ I somehow manage to get out.

He just kinda stares at me for a while.

The silence gets too long, and we’re just holding each other’s gaze, and my mind spins desperately to come up with a follow-up phrase when he says, almost pained, ‘Baz. Do you want to fight me?’

All my internal organs do a flip at him calling my name. _No, I want to kiss you,_ I say internally.

‘Would love to beat the crap out of you, Snow,’ I say out loud. If I’m to get rid of my feelings for him, maybe physically punching him will help. I don’t know how I would, though, with the crucible cast and all.

His expression shifts to something between a smirk and something so hurt it’s all I can do to not wrap him in a hug. (I’ve spent a lot of time studying his expressions.) He steps backwards out the door, and I follow him down the corridors, twisting and turning in and out of alleys and walkways. The crucible cast doesn’t apply once we’re out of our room.

We end up in an empty classroom, and as we walk in the dust flares up and chokes me slightly.

Snow turns around to face me. ‘Well. Today I can get my revenge.’

I nod, because that’s the only thing I’m capable of doing anymore.

His fist comes up at me unexpectedly, and I take the full force of the punch, caught off guard. My chin’s probably bruised, and I land in sitting position on the ground.

I try to bring my knees up, something I still remember from self-defence lessons all the way back in year 1. But he’s already got my shoulders pinned to the wall and, well, he’s sitting on my knees.

I struggle weakly against his arms and he bats my hand away with his elbow effortlessly. My chin hurts and I can’t, I can’t think, he’s this close.

I’m choking, once again, on his scent.

He punches my head again, this time a little bit lighter, and then frowns at my lack of response.

‘is that the best you can do?’ he snarls. ‘What a weakling.’

And I struggle to throw a retort back, but I can’t think of any and the tears well up again. I turn away.

‘I’m trying!’ I twist my arms around his and kick my legs wildly, trying to free myself, trying to _do something_. ‘I’m trying my fucking best!’

I’m punching his chest weakly. ‘I don’t know how this works! Fuck off!’ My arms are useless against his.

I give up, tears falling uncontrollably in a stream, and I. I’m just crying while he continues holding me against the wall. I can’t even do the simplest of tasks. I can’t even control my feelings.

 _Useless!_ I yell at myself, internally. _Useless!_

He doesn’t seem to be doing anything, though. I shut my eyes, unable to look into his and - physically - unable to look away.

His hand relaxes - is he rearing up for another kick? I wouldn’t mind, I deserve it - and I slip a little lower down the wall.

And then I feel a hand on my cheek and his heat beside me instead of on top. Two hands, tilting my head to face him.

‘Baz,’ he says, so quietly it feels like a dream, and my insides are completely mushed and pounding and I’m choking back more tears.

‘Baz,’ he says again. ‘Are you okay?’

There are still tears falling out. I can feel them. Snow wipes one away with his thumb and my breath hitches.

I open my eyes, very slowly, and there are sweat dripping from his eyes. Or are those tears?

And he’s _so_ close it takes every ounce of my energy to not tip my head forward and kiss him. No. I have restraint.

‘ _Fuck,_ Baz.” One of his hands caress my cheek and the other lands in my hair. ‘Can I kiss you? Please? Fucking god, I-’

I respond by kissing him before he can finish his sentence. Bittersweet, but absolute bliss. My hands find their way to his hair and carefully run through his sweet curls, something I’ve been dreaming of doing for six years.

Today I’m kissing Simon Snow.

My heart keep skipping beats and there’s a sharp ache when I think of the future. What happens if I stop? Will we go back to being enemies? How many more seconds back to heartbreak? There’re so many tears I can’t tell apart his and mine.

When he finally breaks out of the kiss to take a breath, I bury my head into his shirt, afraid that he’ll leave if I let go. Afraid that he’ll continue hating me. Afraid that I’ll have to let him go one day, anyway.

‘Snow,’ I whisper against his chest. I’m holding onto him so tightly you’d have to pry my dead fingers from him.

There’s a kind of airiness, a kind of dreamy feel to all of this. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and realise none of it happened, that it was just a dream. I’ll admit I’ve had such dreams before.

‘Baz. Are you okay?’ he asks. ‘Fuck, I’m so sorry. God. I didn’t mean to kiss you.’

I look up at him sharply, fear ripping through my lungs. ‘You... didn’t?’

He furrows his brows. ‘I mean, no, but I’m not complaining, I guess.’

I can’t believe this. Simon Snow... Simon Snow kissed me, and he enjoyed it.

Well, I’d be damned if I don’t kiss him again. I slip my hands into his and interlock our fingers - how long have I been dreaming of doing that? - and kiss him again, begging that he wouldn’t leave, begging that he’d kiss me back again.

He does.

* * *

We’d finally had to stop, because my injuries were too much. I told him it was fine, but apparently I’d knocked my head against something when he pushed me to the wall, and was bleeding very badly. I guess that explains the airiness I felt.

I think he carried me to the hospital wing, but I’m not too sure. Most of the memories were foggy.

Judging by the sun, it’s at least 8. How late did we stay up yesterday? I try to adjust my position, but such a sharp pain shoots through my skull that I’m forced to stop.

Then I notice Snow, slumped against my bed. He roused a bit at my movement.

‘Oh thank fuck you’re awake, Baz.’ Soft eyes. I’m falling too fast. ‘You were out for the entire of yesterday.’

I didn’t quite catch what he said, but I think I’ve been out for quite a long time. If I could verbalise keysmashes, one would fit here.

‘Anyway. How are you feeling, sweetheart?’ he asks, and my heart does multiple flips. _Sweetheart_.

Another flip as I register that he’s holding my hand.

‘In love,’ I whisper, holding onto his hand tighter.

He seems to blush a little and I smile, and _he’s so adorable._ I am so in love.

‘Baz,’ he says. The way he says my name makes me fall in love all over again. Everything he does makes me fall in love all over again. ‘You’re brilliant.’

I just look at him.

He smiles very, very softly. ‘I think... I think I love you, too.’

He kisses me again, and I relish the feeling.

And I’m so afraid that it’s a dream. So afraid that I’ll just wake up. So afraid that he’s going to pull away and say it’s a joke.

I hold on as tight as I can, as if that can stop him from slipping away.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,’ he mumbles. ‘Be my… boyfriend?’

I pull away, and I can’t believe myself. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything except kiss him again, and say, ‘hell yeah.’

* * *

I’m tossing and turning and I can’t sleep. My head feels a lot better, but so much happened. I can’t sleep.

I must’ve been very loud, because it wakes Snow up, too.

‘You good?’ he asks softly.

‘Can’t sleep.’

I hear movement, and my heart starts to pound as I smell him getting nearer. Yeah. Simon Snow is crawling into my bed.

I scoot over a bit to make space for him, and he slides an arm under my neck. I could lay here for a lifetime.

I hate to ruin this quiet moment, but it’s been bugging me since forever, so I ask, ‘do you really not hate me?’

‘Definitely not,’ he says, pressing a small kiss to my forehead.

‘Well, you did tell me to go away on the first day of school,’ I say. It’s a small thing, but I really want to know.

He laughs a little, and I’m overjoyed at being the cause of that lovely sound.

‘I was asking Penny about you, y’know.’ I feel him smile in the dark. ‘I didn’t want you to know.’

‘Oh.’

‘Baz, I’ve been head over heels for you since like... I don’t even know, man,’ he says. ‘Penny didn’t give me any good advice. She just mostly told me to stop talking about you.’

I chuckle.

‘I didn’t really mean to hurt you,’ he says. ‘It’s just... I can’t really concentrate well when you’re, when you’re so close, y’know?’

‘Me too, Simon,’ I whisper. ‘Me too. I love you.’

‘I love it when you call me that.’ He tugs me a little closer. ‘I love you too.’

I keep quiet for a while, enjoying his warmth, and he falls asleep still holding me. He looks so pretty, so peaceful, when he’s asleep.

And it’s probably the best day of my life as I fall asleep in his arms, his ‘I love you too’ echoing through my mind.


End file.
